The Plodamouse: A Natural History

Plate I

External Anatomy of an Adult Specimen

Fig. 1. P. grumpicus, lateral view. Drawn from life. The specimen would not hold still, and then held far too still.

Dorsal flap. Purpose unknown. Possibly decorative. Possibly an error.
Tail. Prehensile in theory. Never yet observed holding anything.
Brow. Permanently lowered. Can, under provocation, be lowered further.
Trunk. Used for balance, foraging, and the expression of quiet disappointment.
Hind flap. Either a leg or an opinion. Specialists remain divided.
Ground mark. Its shadow. The plodamouse brings its own.

Part II

§ 1

The plodamouse occupies the temperate margins: verges, lay-bys, the far side of fields. It is rarely found at the centre of anything.

It prefers flat ground, mild weather, and to be left alone. It has been recorded, on one occasion, inside a computer.

§ 2

Chiefly grass, which it eats without enthusiasm. It will accept a biscuit, provided the biscuit is brought to it.

It does not drink so much as stand near water, disapprovingly, until it is somehow no longer thirsty.

§ 3

It plods. Observers have recorded speeds of up to one plod per second, though rarely for long.

When startled, it does not flee. It simply becomes slightly more annoyed, and continues.

Scientists have debated the dorsal flap for decades. The plodamouse will not be drawn on the matter.

§ 4

At the onset of spring, the male raises its dorsal flap and stands perfectly still for up to four hours.

The display is largely unsuccessful.

§ 5

A single call has been documented: a low, sustained exhale, delivered through the trunk, most often at dusk or when asked to do something.

Listen. That low exhale. Some call it a sigh. It is a sigh.

§ 6

Mildly Annoyed

Its numbers are stable. Its mood is not.

Part III

“We waited eleven days for this footage. The plodamouse waited with us, out of spite.”

Catalogue of field reels
Reel	Title	Running time	Status
I	The Long Walk to Water	11 min	Awaiting development
II	A Stick, and What Came of It	4 min	Awaiting development
III	The Display (Largely Unsuccessful)	4 hr 2 min	Under review
IV	Dusk, and a Sigh	40 sec	Awaiting development

Forthcoming from the Institute

An interactive study, in which you are the plodamouse

“Every autumn, the plodamouse migrates. No one knows where. Neither does it.”

Coming soon